So I had a really weird occurrence this week of nearly manifesting a call with Russell Brand.
It was all booked in - but got cancelled an hour before via email which said something unavoidable had come up and the team will be in touch to reschedule.
There was nothing about him cancelling the group zoom call at 4:30, should I attend?
Being a Leo (curiosity killed the cat and all that) I attend.
He seems “flatter” than usual. In a deep, thoughtful, mood - not one funny quip - that’s a first.
Then the moment…
Someone asks him how he is…
And he responds…
“Well, ya know, I worked really hard yesterday, and I was supposed to do some work earlier but I just wasn’t feeling it, i'm tired”
Ooooffff! That line “I was supposed to do some work earlier but I just wasn’t feeling it, I’m tired”
I’ve been in a wrestling match with it ever since.
Obviously, the only thing that would have me not showing up for a call with Ol Russ would be “something unavoidable”.
But how could I really expect him to really feel the same?
And I know I'm making it all about me but the truth is coming from a childhood of abandonment getting cancelled is one of MY triggers.
So I do my damndest NEVER to do it to anyone.
And the problem with that is you start measuring others by YOUR yardstick.
So in true transparency, when someone backs out of something with me, I get triggered and this is my trajectory:
I am an INFJ on the Myers Briggs - Introverted Intuitive Feeling Judge - so I work hard on coming out and making sure my intuition doesn’t work against me because of my feelings and judgment - this I’m sure you know this, as it’s what I help you guys with.
One of my mantras is “drop the judgment embrace the curiosity”
But I'm never dancing round the room going “Yay! I’ve just been cancelled! I wonder what magic is going to come from this!”
It never really feels cool to me to be cancelled does it? And it’s okay to feel upset (I got that message when we watched the new episode of “This is Us” in the evening, everyone was either going crazy, crying or comfort- eating from being cancelled. Hmmm!)
But what about when you are cancelled by an A list celebrity? Now that’s a first for me!
And of course I’ve broadcasted it to the world that I finally “manifested” my call with Russell and now everyone wants to know how it went and all the opinions start flying…
Some respect he did that, because at least I know if and when he does turn up it’s more likely to be that he is feeling it (but hey ho is he going to ever be feeling it?)
As my husband said…
“Well can you blame him Tiff? I respect he didn't do it if he wasn't feeling it. Put yourself in his shoes (grrr he always says that - another trigger!) He’s probably regretting saying he’d give a 10 minute 1:2:1 to anyone who got him 10 subscribers. He’s probably had thousands of nutters sucking him dry, he’s got two small kids, a dog, a wife, a relentless career, seven kittens and is dealing with recovery - you struggle with Athelstan!”
It’s true! I do! So I imagine when he says he’s shattered - he is.
But the thing is - is he ever going to be “feeling it” Getting on a 10 minute call with who?
And aren’t most of his peeps going to be dealing with recovery and therefore have their “worthiness” triggered?
I mean, “at least I don’t have a recovery issue” I say to my husband whilst scoffing my face with chocolate cake.
I stop, we look at each other.
The truth is my worth gets challenged when I’m cancelled.
It brings up all the times I haven’t seen myself as worthy of my parents, lovers, friends, publishers, potential clients or teachers attention.
Unconsciously I deal with the shame shitstorm by going into self sabotage.
My saving gracce is my practice of Don Miguel Ruiz's Five Agreements plus my awareness and my own discovery of "Outuition".
I’ve put a x next to each one that blows up when I get cancelled - with an explanation:
Over Emotional Misunderstandings x
Because it triggers my wound it’s challenging for me to take it on it’s own merit.
Feeling Everything Personally: x
Yup, because it triggers my wound it all becomes about me.
Struggle To Know Your Own Reality x
The story I tell myself is that they don’t hold me in high enough esteem, I can’t trust them, they aren’t honest, etc…
Making Dangerous Assumptions x
Obviously all the above is this.
Over-trying, Over-doing,and Overwhelm: /
I’m only giving this half a strike, because I don’t tend to “invest” after a cancellation, but internally I go into emotional overwhelm - less so these days.
Not knowing (or mixing up) your needs and wants: /
I need to not be cancelled! But I can’t control that, so I stuff my face with chocolate when what I really need is to ingest “I am worthy”
Not being able to express yourself until it's too late. x
Really I just want to be honest and say I don’t respect it at all! But that’s not very kind, compassionate and understanding - and I want to be that, so I end up saying nothing.
Bouncing from no boundaries to big barriers: x
Here comes the big barriers!
Feeling like you don't belong anywhere: /
Not really in this instance - I mean I don’t belong in the A list celebrity camp! That’s just reality! And at the same time, I know I belong - in every camp now, thanks to the checklist of these 10 symptoms of "OUTuition"
SYMPTOM 10: xxxxxxxxx!
The struggle to obtain healthy self - esteem
THE core! The message I receive is “ You are not worthy of my time, attention, care, investment, interest, oh boy the list goes on - when really I know it’s not about me..
And thanks to the above I can catch it. Part of me is conscious enough these days to know I am inherently worthy, no matter what happens, but still the shame shitstorm of the past gets triggered.
It is uncanny, that the day before this call, It was time to make my Fool card in my Tarot deck.
The text continues:
Russell Brand reminds me of the three stages of the Fool:
1. The unconscious Fool - addict
2. The Fool who thinks he knows it all - activist
3. The Fool who knows he knows nothing - awakened
The wild card that can lead a revolution with his trusty dog Bear
The see through baggage is the dissolving of karma as he births into the world guided by the whistleblowing archangel Gabriel’s and the four elements he goes on the fools/ hero’s journey.
I felt the elements of the world needed to be in this card too - to signify the purpose of rebirth and reconnection 🤔💗
Rebirth and reconnection, hmmm… Here’s what one of my clients wrote when I told them he cancelled...
“What is it you saw in him that is in you now - 5 agreements obv - and also, when I read your review of his transformation story I saw you, your story and the exquisite teacher and human being you have become. I’ve had the privilege of witnessing and being guided by your wisdom for 2 years now. Who is this man? No, the more interesting and wonderful question is who is Tiffany Crosara now and who is she becoming?”
In this retrospect the manifestation of Russell’s energy nearly but not quite in my orbit (yet) seems to be his spirit serving or showing up where I need to go to the next level.
As Brene Brown says it simply feels better to give someone the benefit of the doubt, so why not choose that?
Russell is a recovering codependent, so of course in recovery he has to practice this - we all do…
“And then I learned the spiritual journey had nothing to do with being nice. It had to do with being real and authentic. Having boundaries. Honouring and respecting my space first, others second. And in this space of self-care, being nice just happened, it flowed… not motivated by fear, but by love.” - Michele Olak
Interestingly this Tuesday is the only time this year that I’m taking a group through busting the 10 symptoms above so that we can all make sure that instead of self sabotaging through pain, we can come from love and stay open to miracles from above.